A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started." Her boy friend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She
lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Second, I'd want you to relax...Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes
back in the box."

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when
he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a
little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and
shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts
his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man.
I don't want them!"
Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon,
There's a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the
same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
"You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time
Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt
front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand?
You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
says:



"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

A man is walking along a beach when suddenly he hears a woman crying. He decides to find out what was the matter and followed the sobs until he came to a girl laying on the beach with no arms and no legs. "What is the matter miss?" he asks. The woman struggles for words in between her sobs and says "ive never been hugged before."
Feeling sympathetic the man thinks about it then bends down and gives her a hug. She say thank you and the man starts to walk away. He gets about 10 feet and heres crying again. He turns around walks back and askes her "whats the matter now?" "Well ive never been kissed before either." she says. The man ponders on this for a minute then sympatheticly bends down and french kisses her. She says thank you and the man starts to walk away again when he hears her crying yet again. He asks her what was wrong now. The woman replies, feeling very lucky considering her last two encounters with the man, "Ive never been fucked before. The man ponders on this a little longer then at last bicks the woman up, throws her in the ocean and says "your fucked now bitch!"

Two dwarfs go to a bar and after a few drinks pick up two prostitutes and take them back to there hotel rooms. The first dwarf can't get an erection, his depression is made worse when he hears his friend shouting
"HERE I COME AGAIN.. ONE.. TWO.. THREE... UUH!!" All night long.
In the morning the second dwarf asks the first
"How did it go???""
The First says
"it was so embarassing I couldnt get hard.."
The second shook his head saying
"YOU THINK THAT'S EMBARASSING!! I COULDN'T EVEN GET ON TO THE BED..."

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."

So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.

So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.

''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.

''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.

''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''

''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''

''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.

''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''

A Soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few
minutes. I'll explain WHY later."
The nun agreed to his request.
Shortly thereafter, the two Military Police came running along and asked
her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.
She replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt
And said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to
go To Iraq."
The nun said she can fully understand the fear.
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but
you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen.
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen
the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go
to Iraq either."

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. Puts
the croc up on the bar.

He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this croc's mouth and place my balls inside. Then the croc
will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll
remove my balls unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured in unanimous
approval. Steve stood up to the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed
his privates in the croc's mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on
the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and he removed his
genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his
free drinks were delivered.

Steve stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's
willing to give it a try. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a
hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up...

"I'll try it! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle."

Superman is looking to have a night out. He calls Batman. Batman out with Robin. He calls the Invisible Man. He doesn't pick up his phone. So he's flying around the city looking for something to do. With his super sight he sees into Wonder Woman's window, and she's spread eagle on the bed. He thinks "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could fly in, do my thing, and then fly out and she'll never know." He does this and while he's flying away he hears Wonder Woman with his super hearing saying "did you hear something?" and the Invisible Man saying "No, but man my ass hurts"

A ovelha meus amigos é um bicho estúpido. Ok, mas dirão os amigos das Segundas Feiras de Páscoa: 

" Queres ver que não gostas do ensopadito de borrego ou de um cabecinha de borrego assada para petisco?"

Gosto meus amigos, é claro que gosto, mas não é por causa de fartas comezainas e belas petiscadas que  venho aqui chatear-vos hoje. A ovelha é indubitavelmente um animal  muito parco em inteligência que se limita a balir, a levar umas bordanadas do pastor e umas trincas dos canitos do mesmo  quando  sai fora de pé, ou seja, deixa de estar junto das outras ovelhas. Dizem ainda que há ovelhas que são alvo de romance por alguns pastores mais velhacos e carentes "do amor", mas também não é dessas coisas que vos venho falar.

A ovelha é um bicho que vive uma vida em rebanho balindo para aqui e para acoli, é tosquiada, ordenhada e morta e a sua vida é isto. Triste e mediocre. Não se revolta, deixa que lhe arranquem a lã, deixa que a ordenhem uma e outra vez, deixa que a matem para comezainas e petiscos de terceiros. Vive uma vida em rebanho balindo aqui e acoli e morre sem nada igual a tantas outras ovelhas antes dela e a todas as outras depois dela. 

Nos dias de hoje quando penso que sou português sinto-me uma ovelha. Sou tosquiado  independentemente da estação do ano e ordenham-me até ficar mais seco que seco, Quando penso que posso pensar por mim mesmo e contestar injustiças, corrupções e velhacarias do pastor, vulgo Estado, lá vem o bordão do pastor representado pelas forças da autoridade e a censura a caminho do meu rico lombo para que eu possa abrir a pestana e voltar outra vez para o rebanho e balir feito estúpido olhando para as outras ovelhas.

Quando penso, porque sim embora ovelha ainda sou uma ovelha pensante, que ainda posso amealhar algum para dias mais difíceis em que a seca grasse e já me faltem as forças solta-me o cabranote do pastor uma matilha de cães em cima que me mordem por todo o lado! O IRS, o IVA,  o taxa disto o taxa daquilo , ora bem, uma matilha de impostos que fazem de mim uma ovelha desgraçadinha e cada vez mais fraquita. 

E o que acontece quando a ovelha começa a ficar assim mais fraquita , em que a lã já está numa lástima e o leite já não presta? Cutelo no pescoço e ensopado com ela( sim pessoal ou pensas que só comes borrego no ensopado? anda ai muito malandro enganado)! E o que se pode fazer? BÉÉÉÉÉÉ! Mais nada...

É estúpido. Dirão os meus amigos, mas que comparação estúpida porra! Ai é? Pensem lá bem se não tenho razão. Tiram-nos tudo, arrancam-nos tudo e continuamos a balir aqui e acoli à vontade dos cabranotes dos pastores que fazem de nós o que querem porque sabem que só pudemos balir...

Não chega já minha gente? Não estão já cansados de tanta velhacaria? Eu já tou farto de andar balindo e só me apetece é meter a porra do cutelo na garganta do pastor... estou farto de ser estupidificado...